To my children on your first day back at school
To my beautiful bears
This post is so difficult to write because, in all honesty, I don’t know how I feel.
This year was always going to be a huge step for us all as you are both now in full time education. You into year one Darcie, and you Henry into Reception. However, the current crisis means that I am desperately fighting the selfish need to keep you home and safe with me.
I know you need routine and structure, but I am nothing short of terrified of what the coming months and years will hold for us.
I am desperate for some space and some time alone, but I know I’ll be lost without you.
I am thrilled at the thought of a hot cup of tea in a quiet house, but after 6 months of constant noise I no longer know how to enjoy that silence.
The fact is, the last 6 months has changed us all. Myself included. And I’m not the same person emerging from the crisis that I was back in March. I can’t remember who I am outside of being your mummy and to put it simply, I’m just used to having you with me all the time now.
I won’t lie, at times these months have been hard, but they have also been precious. For every tear we have shed, we have laughed a hundred times more. For every shout and tantrum, there have been cuddles and kisses to see us through the hard times.
We have been together every step of the way and I have loved having you back in my arms while you have still been young enough to want to spend all your time with me. However, it has also been exhausting and I’m tired with a tiredness I haven’t felt since your newborn days.
I know that this will be good for you both, I know that you need more than just me in your lives to shape and guide you, I know that that you are looking forward to seeing all your friends again. I also know that I need the space day a day a school brings us all as much as you do.
That doesn’t stop me from wanting to lock out the world for one more week though, even if I have been counting down the days until the schools reopen for the last month every time the tears or tantrums arrive. (I told you I had mixed emotions and didn’t know how to feel!)
While the sun shined, memories were made. Yes there were storm clouds, but there were also rainbows. So many beautiful rainbows. And just like the real rainbows, our time at home has come to an end. It’s time to go back to school and find our rhythm in the new normal.
Please know that while you may let go of my hand at the school gate today, the hold you both have over my heart will never lessen. Know that while I will relish and enjoy every moment you are at school; I will also miss you with every fibre of my being. Finally, know that I will race back to collect you with the same speed at which I will be running out of the school gate after dropping you off.